ASK THE SEA-MONKEY® LADY

Q. I recently had a wild party and someone droped a beer in with my Monkeys. They are all alive but have been acting real strange. Is this something I should be concerned about?

Submitted by Scared

A. You know, it's taken me two whole months to come up with an answer to this -- and you a military man playing with Sea Monkeys. Glad to have you on board.

Okay, this means they are drunk. Dropping beer into the tank is just a bad plan all around. One of my concerns is that the more, shall we say, vulnerable Sea Monkeys might find alchol an addicting problem and, before we know it, we have little Sea Monkeys with dt's running around the tank, seeing little pink people, and jonesing for another shot of that wild turkey. This is likely your problem. I suggest that you dry them out, set up a 12 step program in the tank, and hope that the problem goes away. And stop having wild parties there and get back to work!

Q. Can you get different types of Sea Monkeys?

A. Yes, each Sea Monkey is guaranteed to come with his/her own individual personality, specifically designed to offer you, the owner, maximum enjoyment and the ability to differentiate between each of your aquatic pets. Actually, no. This is a lie. There are different types of Sea Monkeys -- in the sense that you can obtain different types of brine shrimp -- but there is only one true Sea Monkey, the original Artemia Nyos! (End propaganda here.)

Q. My male sea monkey seems to be attracted to my other male sea monkey. Should I separate them or be open minded? Both refuse to come out of the closet, but we all know what's going on.

Submitted by Ceci & Rhondy

A. Sea Monkeys are just like us in many ways -- okay, so they have little in common with us other than a desire to live, love, and pursue happiness but that's beside the point -- and they often find themselves attracted to the same sex. This is okay. Perhaps they are not ready to share their love with an unaccepting society and that's okay too. Just leave them be. They will be ready to reveal their sexual orientation shortly and, until then, just let them live out their lives together. Actually, if you could arrange to televise it, on sweeps week (November and May, specifically) I think we could all be in for some seriously heavy advertising revenues. But then again, if they are happy, isn't that all that matters?

Q. Could I train my Sea Monkeys to kill Hanson??

Submitted by Jason Parkin

A. Please. And take out the Spice Girls while you're at it. The people of Earth thank you.

Q. My sea monkeys won't do tricks when I turn off the lights and shine a flashlight into the tank. They ignored the light. Why?

A. Some Sea Monkeys are blind, some just wear sunglasses all the time because they think it makes them cool. If any of your Sea Monkeys start playing musical instruments then assume that they are blind. If they bump into things then assume that they are trying to be cool.

(Answered by Raymond, the Sea Monkey Guy)

Q. My sea monkey is becoming quite aggresive in nature and I am afraid for my safety. i have made the difficult decision to geld him. His world is about to change drastically. He is very sexually active. I would really appreciate your advise on how to handle the after surgery care and character changes that I am expecting. Will he become more docile? He is now 15 years old and I am afraid he is too mature to handle the change gracefully. What advise can you give me.?

Submitted by Terrified on Ortonville, Shrimpela Stinktank

A. Well, Shrimpela, it would seem that fate has destined you to own Sea Monkeys, given your unusual name and all...but enough about that. I understand that you want to calm your Sea Monkey down but have you actually done anything to make him feel calmer. For one, you could name him. Perhaps his frustration is coming from being dehumanized - or debrineshrimpized as the case may be - and naming him could help him find his identity. Secondly, he is an adolescent and we know what teens can be like. He is attempting to stretch the boundaries of acceptable societal behaviour and, perhaps, he has received the message that being violent will scare and repel others. This could be his form of rebellion. Unfortunately, he has chosen to couple his aggression with inappropriate sexual behaviour. This is a difficult problem but could be solved with going as far as physical castration. Before you attempt to neuter him try the following:

1. Give him a name and, thus, an identity. Help him explore his identity through conversation and discussions about his place on this wonderful earth!
2. Provide him with information on appropriate behaviour in society and warn him of the impact of his behaviour on others and on his future. Who will hire a Sea Monkey with a record for assault? I know that I wouldn't.
3. Offer him some Depo-Provera® which has been used to calm down sexually aggressive individuals.
If none of this works, then you could try to neuter him but be prepared for some serious ramifications! He could be angry with you because he will lose his dreams of being a father and he might be very aggressive. If you do choose to neuter him and he continues to threaten your safety you might wish to flush him. I hate making this suggestion but he could just be a pathological little Sea Monkey and you would be best to keep away from him. I hope that this all helps in some small way........

Q. How does the Cupid's Arrow work?

Submitted by Richard Shivers

Are you asking for the Sea Monkeys or for yourself? Remember, don't try this stuff at home as you could have a group of Sea Monkeys following you, blowing you kisses and buying you seaweed...see the question on stalking!

In fact, I don't know how it works. I imagine that it works like human "cupid's arrow" type stuff works. Have you heard of pheromones? No, well here's a crash course in this wonderous substance. Do you ever wonder how one housefly finds another in the hugeness of the world? It's not through a series of well placed clues or rumours from the other houseflies, no, it's because of the hormones that they secrete to find a mate. Much the way that some men seem to think that gallons of Old Spice will attract a mate, the fly exudes this scent and the males come a'running. I would think that this is the way that the Cupid's Arrow works. Or, the Sea Monkey Lady writes, unleashing her latest theory, it may be like a fertility drug, that causes the female Sea Monkeys to become pregnant when they otherwise might have some difficulties. Finally, it is possible that it acts as an intoxicant, causing all of the Sea Monekys to mate with otherwise unattractive Sea Monkeys. Slip a little into the Banana Daquiri and, before you know it, you're married to some icky person you met in the "Hole in the Wall" bar last night!

Q. I hatched my Sea Monkeys and they are just floating on top. Of course, I can hardly see them. I think I saw them moving towards the light but anyways, are they okay?

Submitted by Jeffrey D. Struthers

A. Let's approach this from a few avenues, shall we? (Heck, we've got the space to go on for hours but I'll try to keep it short!) When sea creatures float on the top of the water, it usually means that they are dead. If they are "moving towards the light", this would confirm this supposition. Can you see them floating upwards, into the light? Towards a giant creature with three eyes and a long, white, flowing beard? If so, they are dead, but going to a far better place! Sea Monkey heaven is fantastic. Otherwise, the Sea Monkeys are just floating to the top to get some oxygen, which they require. Unfortunately, this is not very amusing and, as such, gets bottom billing in this answer!

Q. Don't you think suggesting one dip a luminescent plastic creature into a tank of Sea Monkeys in a dark room to scare them constitutes animal cruelty? As the potentate and curator of the most definitive resource of knowledge available on the subject, you should be ashamed of advocating such sordid humor.

Submitted by Diver

A. I am ashamed, in a strange kind of way. Actually, I would encourage a Sea Monkey owner to dip a plastic creature into the tank because it is loads of fun for both the owner and the Sea Monkeys. Think about it. Why do we go see horror movies? Because it's fun to be scared, in a pretend way, sometimes! It is a bonding experience. You can say to your Sea Monkeys "remember when I put the giant squid in your tank? Boy, did you freak" and they can laugh along with you. Remember, though, you must have a good idea as to whether your Sea Monkey can handle this stress or not. Some Sea Monkeys, when faced with a giant squid or other luminescent plastic creature could have a heart attack from the stress. This is not a good idea if your Sea Monkeys are this high strung. Similarly, some of the more psychotic Sea Monkeys could come looking for revenge, sneaking out of the tank at night and attempting to kill you in heinous ways (two words: saran wrap). So, ensure that you know your Sea Monkeys well before you go trying to scare them